Meeting the adoption worker...and other crazy stuff

Our meeting with the adoption worker for Baby Girl went well.  The case hasn't officially been turned over to her yet as they are STILL waiting on the paperwork for the TPR from the court.  She is trying to get everything done that she can now and then when the paperwork comes she will be able to push things through pretty quickly, she hopes.  She is currently in doing the background checks etc...  We just did all that for our foster re-licensing in July, but the adoption dept. still has to do it again.  We have heard several different time frames for finalization.  The GAL mentioned mid-November,  at the meeting on Monday the adoption worker(AW)  said by Christmas, some of the paperwork the AW gave us says Dec 1st.  Then at the staffing yesterday (Wednesday) the AW mentioned October.  I have been telling people by the end of the year it should be final, and I will stick with that until we get a court date.  All we know is that unless something truly crazy happens she will be ours forever!

The AW left a large envelope of papers which are the "disclosure statements"  basically all the paperwork that has to do with Baby Girls DCF case.  Why she was taken into care, how the parents did with the case plan, GAL reports and court reports, and as much bio family history as they know.  Since Baby Girl has been with us the whole time she has been in care, none of it was new to us.

AW asked us a few questions about how long we have lived in the county, blah, blah,blah. She explained the adoption subsidy and about medical insurance and a few other things. She then asked to look at Baby Girls room, and that was about it.  She will get back with us after she has everything from the court, and I guess there will be more paperwork for us at that point.

Now for the crazy stuff.  There was a staffing for Baby Girl yesterday - a staffing is where all of the case managers, GAL, bio parents, foster parents and in this case the adoption worker get together outside of court to discuss what has happened with the case, and where the case needs to go from that point.  I participated via the phone.  Her bio parents would not have been asked to be there because of the TPR - (not that they would have come anyway.) The first strange thing that happened was that AW said that when she went to see Baby Girls room she noticed that there weren't any stuffed animals or toys or blankets in the crib, that most cribs have something in them.  She then said "she does sleep in the crib doesn't she?"  I told her yes she sleeps in the crib, and that she has 2 favorite "loveys" that she sleeps with as well as a blanket, but when she is not in the crib we fold the blanket and put them away.  I just found that strange that she would comment on that, especially at a staffing.  I have always heard parents being cautioned about putting too many soft toys, blankets etc... in the crib due to SIDS concerns.  This is the first time I have ever heard of someone questioning why there are not any.  The lady just spent over an hour in our toy filled living room and so shouldn't be concerned that Baby Girl doesn't have toys.  My best guess is that she may have thought that Baby Girl sleeps in our bed with us.  Rest assured Ms. AW, Baby Girl sleeps in her crib.

The big crazy thing happened next.

  *A little history - Baby Girl's mom was pregnant when Baby Girl was taken into care.  Baby Girl had been in care with us for about 2 months when bio mom and her "fiancee" took off to a state far to our north.  It was mentioned in passing by Baby Girls CM in May of this year, that bio mom had given birth to a baby boy who was immediately put into care in the "State Up North".  I did some F@cebook stalking  investigating and found bio mom and fiancee.  From comments on FB it seemed like they were having visits etc... with new baby and working on getting him back.*

So in the staffing Baby Girl's baby brother is brought up.  Apparently "State Up North" is at least leaning toward TPR, and perhaps has even started the TPR process for baby brother already, after only 4 months.  Oh and by the way would we be at all interested in adopting baby brother if he becomes available?  Talk about out of left field!!  I told them I had to talk to the Hubby, but we would definitely consider it.  I have a call in to  Baby Girl's CM to see if she has some info on what is going on in the "State Up North" as well as some questions about baby brother. 

I am still just trying to process all this and have so many thoughts going through my head.  All for another post.  What a crazy, crazy ride foster care is!!

Adoption worker coming today!!!

Our Baby Girl had her bio parents rights terminated on August 7th.  We were waiting for the paper work from the TPR to go through channels and then to hear from the case management agency adoption worker.  The adoption worker called about 2 weeks ago and we have an appointment for tonight!!  So excited.  According the Baby Girls GAL, the goal date for the case to be closed is mid November.  Just around the corner.

We have decided to change Baby Girls first name and keep her middle name.  We didn't decide this lightly, she is 21months old and definitely knows her name.  Her current (bio mom given) first name is normally considered a boys name, although "technically" it is unisex.  I have met several children with the same name....all BOYS.   It also is one of those fad names that came and went about 7 years ago.  Honestly I just have never liked it and can't imagine calling her by that name for the rest of my life.

Her middle name is lovely and we know it will mean a lot to her in the future to have kept it.

Her new first name is a loose combination of my middle, my mom's middle and my mother in laws middle names.  It is rooted in our names, but will still be totally her own.  Even people who know our middle names will probably not put it together.  I know it sounds like it may be crazy, but it actually is a name that is fairly popular, but not trendy.  My and my mom's middle names are the same, so we aren't combining 3 names.

I also have to admit I enjoyed naming our child.  We have no bio children and so we have never had the privilege of naming a child before.  We also had the added benefit of knowing some of the personality of Baby Girl before picking a name.  We were considering another name, but felt it just didn't really fit her.

Can't wait to see what the adoption worker has to tell us.  We have no real idea how the process works and have questions of course.  On the phone she mentioned that she had some things to clarify that were in addition to our foster home study, so I am assuming that we are not going to have to do a whole new home study.  Yaaay!  I have heard from a couple of CM's that the foster process is much more involved that the adoption process, so hopefully things will move smoothly!!  And quickly.

So it looks like we may have a forever daughter to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!

Love It!!

Sunshine and Mama L - the rest of the story

After the first visit with Sunshine's bio mom "Mama L" went pretty well, I agreed to take her to the next visit and stay with them, as long as it was on my day off.  We agreed that we would meet at a park in a town that was between our town and Mama L's town.  I pack up Sunshine, Bluebird and all the "stuff" for a few hours at the playground, juice, snacks etc...  We get there first and start playing on the equipment.  Soon Sunshine's CM drives up.  She gets out and comes over to tell me that Mama L's ride wouldn't bring her all the way to the park.  They would only go as far as the local fast food place.  OK the park is like less than 10 minutes from the fast food place, but whatever.  I now need to explain to Sunshine (3 yrs old) and Bluebird (18 months) that now we have to stop playing on super fun swings and get back in the van and drive to FFP (fast food place)  We took our time getting off the swings.  The CM had also mentioned that this time "Granny" had come too.  That put me on alert.  As I mentioned what actually happened to Sunshine before she came into care is a bit muddy, no one is talking, including Sunshine, and we weren't  sure how much (if anything) had happened while she was still living with Granny and how much happened after she was moving from house to house.  I was worried that we were going to have some major problems when Sunshine saw Granny.  I didn't have my ziploc barf bags with me, and I was concerned.  Once again the visit went better that I expected as far as Granny was concerned.  No drama, no vomit WaaaHooo.  Sunshine was not afraid or upset to see Granny, but it wasn't like she was overjoyed to see the person who had cared for her for the majority of her life.  Mama L and Granny had brought Sunshine several outfits, pajamas, and toys.  They even brought some pajamas for Bluebird, which I thought was great.  The visit went well for Granny, Mama L and Sunshine,  I however was going out of my mind trying to keep a very active 18 month old busy in a FFP dining room.  I had planned on the 2 hour visit being in the park,  I packed for the park, I did not bring extra toys and things for Bluebird to play with, and sunscreen and mosquito spray just didn't seem like appropriate toys for a toddler.  Of course this FFP was not one of those with a play area.  As we are getting to the end of the visit, Mama L and Granny start making phone calls.  They are trying to find a ride home.  I was floored!  I was used to bio parents who were no shows, and who cancelled visits because it was raining.  Here was a bio family who was determined to come to this visit even though they had no idea how they would get home.  More points for Mama L in my book!!  When we left, they were still trying to work out a ride home.

Visits went well for Sunshine and Mama L, I supervised one more visit at the park....really at the park this time, and then I felt comfortable enough for Sunshine to try it on her own.  I felt that if Mama L would pick her up at day care, when I wasn't around, Sunshine would be fine with going without me, and she was.  We had agreed that Mama L would drop her back off at day care by 4:00 and I would pick her up there about 4:30.  I get there at 4:30 and they aren't back.  I wait until 4:45 and then I have to go home to meet Mr Ron who is bringing Bluebird home from her bio visits.  I get Bluebird and back we go to daycare, still they aren't there, now I am getting aggravated. I wait out in the parking lot and they finally show up about 5:30.  As we are getting Sunshine from their car to ours she is crying hard.  She doesn't want to leave Mama L.  Judging by the loot she is bringing with her, they must have had a grand time shopping.  Mama L is visibly upset that Sunshine is upset, and is trying to help calm Sunshine down.  Good things.  As she is leaving Mama L asked if I could have Sunshine call her later just so that Mama L knew that Sunshine was ok.  She said that I could block my number if I wanted to.  I told her I would and she gave me a number to a friends cell phone.  I decided later that night that I would not block my number and we called Mama L.  They had a good conversation and the rest of the evening went fine.

After that Sunshine had weekly visits with Mama L which pretty much lasted all day.  Mama L would pick her up at daycare and we would meet at day care to bring her home.  Every visit Sunshine came home with lots of new clothes and toys.  We were wondering how Mama L, with no job, was managing all the new things as well as a new car, but thought maybe she found a "friend" who was supporting her.  Mama L also called just about every evening to talk to Sunshine.  Things were rolling along.  We were sending school pictures and Sunshine's art work for Mama L and she was being super consistent with visits, although she hadn't really done anything else required in her case plan.  We thought that she just needed to get settled in and she was still trying to decide where she wanted to live.  CM and I both felt that this would end in reunification pretty quickly. The only really aggravating thing is that they were constantly late bringing Sunshine back..  I started telling her that we would need her home 30 min earlier, that way she would only be 15 min late instead of the usual 45.  We were pretty flexible with the timing of visits they were pretty much always on Fridays and Mama L could pick Sunshine up at daycare anytime after 8:30 and then we would connect by phone in the afternoon to set up a "time" (hahahaha) to meet at daycare to bring her home.  As long as she was home in time for bath and her regular bed time we were good.

In early October, Mama L called on Thursday night to talk to Sunshine, and she confirmed that she would pick her up the next day.  I had to let the daycare know if Mama L was going to pick Sunshine up, because she couldn't get her without my permission.  I told Mama L I would let the day care know.  My in-laws like to take our girls to the local high school football games, Sunshine loves them!  We realized that weeks game would be in the town where Mama L lives.  I put a note in Sunshine's backpack telling Mama L that if she wanted to save some driving, my in-laws would be happy to meet her somewhere in her town and gave her the times they would be there, and to let me know if that would work for her.  I hadn't heard from her by mid afternoon and so I tried to call her on her cell.  It went to voice mail.  I waited a little bit and tried again...voice mail.  I tried the home phone number and someone answered,  No Mama L wasn't there and they had no idea when she would be back.  They were very curt with me.  Aaalllrighty then.  I try cell again, this time no voice mail, no nothing.  I try one other number I have for her, turns out to be a friends cell,  I explain who I am, and that I am trying to get Mama L to find out what time to meet her with Sunshine.  Well the friend is just leaving work and so she will go by Mama L's house and let her know I am trying to call her. Thanks.  I wait...no call from Mama L.   I leave work and try Mama L's cell again, it just rings.  I pick up Bluebird at her daycare and head home.  Try Mama L's cell again.  Ring, ring, ring.....  As I am coming into our town I decide to drive by Sunshine's daycare and see if maybe they are waiting there to meet me.  Maybe Mama L just left her phone at home.  As I am pulling into the parking lot I see one of Sunshine's teachers and I ask her if Mama L ever came to get Sunshine today.....You guessed it ......NO she had never come to get her.  I park and Bluebird and I go and get Sunshine.  I take them to my in-laws and they go to the game.  Sunshine never knew that Mama L bailed.

I was really surprised that Mama L bailed on her visit.  Like I said she was super consistent with visits and calls.  As a couple of days passed and we did not get even a phone call from Mama L. I start wondering.  A little research on our local Sheriffs website confirms, Mama L is back in jail.  The charge listed is driving without a license, which triggers parole violations, no bond.  She was arrested on the same day she was to pick up Sunshine for the visit.  Are you KIDDING me??? You have this beautiful little girl and you are doing well, and you get arrested for something so stupid!?!?   I just thank the Good Lord that Sunshine wasn't with her when she was arrested.  The worst part, almost, is her mug shot,  she has this little smirky smile on her face.  Like isn't this just the funniest thing.  I just wanted to shake her.  Instead I called Sunshine's CM and said I guess you know Mama L is back in jail? No she didn't know.  A few days go by and I am talking to CM again.  She mentions that new charges have been added.....like 65 new charges.  For the same type of thing that she was incarcerated for before.A few weeks go by, one day I have voice mail on my phone from a number I don't know.  It is Mama L,  she has been given a bond amount, would I be willing to contribute some money?  I can call her Godmother at XXX-XXXX.  Ummmm let me think....that would be NO!  Wow....just Wow.  Turns out the bond thing never happens, and even more charges are added, we are up to like 87 including parole violations.  Mom eventually accepts a plea and is back living "far away".  She called a few time while in the local "far away", but nothing since she went to the far "far away".

The foster case for Sunshine is a little complicated.  DCF has started TPR proceedings for both bio parents, Mama L is fighting it and so it will go to trial.  I assume it will eventually anyway,  several of the preliminary hearings have been continued due to attorney issues.  Dad has not responded to the summons and so is considered in default.  His TPR should go pretty quickly.  I have no doubt that Mama L LOVES Sunshine, but if she can't even make it 3 months without going back to "far away" then I have major concerns about stability for the long run.  What happens if she comes back and Sunshine goes to live with her and a few months or, years even, she is back in "far away"  What happens to Sunshine then?  Back to moving from place to place?  We see how well that worked before.  And it isn't just Mama L,  this whole family has issues with "far away" for they same type of behavior.  They have tried to clear SEVERAL people in the family to place Sunshine with and none of they can be cleared.

Sunshine is doing really well, she doesn't really ask about Mama L very much.  We do have a photo in her room of them together at the first visit.  She has said that she wants to see Granny again to "give her a hug", as long as I go with her, so we are working on making that happen.  When her Guardian Ad Litem asked her if she wanted to see Mama L she said no.

And that is where we are today.  Waiting for court dates and decisions.  Loving our Sunshine.

More Sunshine ....and the visit with her mom

I know that these posts are getting quite long.  I am trying to get it all up to date, and give the history behind how we got where we are.  After that the posts will be much shorter, I promise.

Our Sunshine was, by far, in the worst shape of any of our nestlings when she was placed in our home.  Our first two had both been in care for a while.  Bluebird for 5 months - her whole life, and Angel for about 2 years.  Their immediate physical issues had long ago been dealt with.  Angel of course had other issues by the time she came to us.  Sunshine, however, had just been removed and placed into care with us.  Her physical issues were perhaps not as bad as you may think, there were no broken bones or stitches.  She did however have various scars and one set of bruises were particularly disturbing.  Where they were and how it looked like they were made would make your blood run cold.  They were in a place not easily covered by clothing, and many people would comment and ask how she got them.  I could honestly answer that I didn't know.  And truly, truly I tried not to think about how she got them, because I really did not want to be right about how I thought they occurred.  They even left our pediatrician shaking his head with tears in his eyes.  She was also very lethargic and dehydrated when she came to us.

The emotional and psychological issues were the most difficult part.  Sunshine's mom had been incarcerated Sunshine's whole life. As far as we could determine she had never visited mom in prison.  She had been living with her grandmother for most of her 3 years, but recently she had been moving from family member, family friend to family member, family friend.  When she was placed into care she was living with a "Godmother".  There were various allegations of different types, but no one was really talking, so nothing has ever been proven other than the physical condition she was in.

Sunshine was placed with us in March.  Her mother agreed to a case plan that involved he starting parenting classes while she was still incarcerated.  She was nearing the end of her sentence. After she was released she would continue working her case plan with classes and counseling, including family counseling with Sunshine. Sunshine had also started play therapy.  The last week of July I get a call from Sunshine's CM.  Mom is out sooner than we thought, and she wants to see Sunshine.  The judge has granted,  get this,   UNlimited, UNsupervised Visits!  Sunshine has NEVER MET HER MOTHER BEFORE!!!   Mom is considered a Non-Offending Parent.  Fortunately our agency has some common sense and works it out that the first few visits, at least, will need to be supervised.  But the first visit is the next day and I have had no warning to get the day off or to prepare Sunshine at all for this visit that has come out of the blue.

That night I sit down with Sunshine and try to explain.  She has a teacher at school who is visibly pregnant, and so I start by telling her " You know how Ms P has a baby in her stomach?  Well when you were a tiny baby you were in Mama L's stomach.  Mama L has been far away and so she hasn't been able to take care of you.  Mama L now lives closer and she wants to see you tomorrow."  Sunshine was not very taken with that idea.  She cried, she told me she wants to stay with us forever, I cried.  We both cried together,  This, of course, did not change the fact that she had to go in the morning, and I couldn't go with her.  She finally fell asleep, but had a very restless night.  In the morning, as soon as she woke up, before she even got out of bed she started to throw up.  This is a typical response to stress for Sunshine, and I should have anticipated it.  I start to get her dressed, she throws up,  I let her lay on the couch she throws up.  I know I can't reach her CM until 8:00.  I tell myself if she throws up once more I am going to have to do something.  I decide that as stressful as it is for Sunshine, this visit is going to have to happen sometime, and so the best thing I can do is make it work so that I can go with her. I don't want her to have to go through this again.  I start my calls.  I find someone to cover me at work (if I hadn't I would have just closed for the day) This day also happens to be the day that Bluebird has her regularly scheduled visits with her parents.  Mr Ron, her regular transporter, usually picks her up at day care and then brings her home to the house.  I now need to get in touch with Mr Ron to tell him that Bluebird will be home with my mom and to pick her up there.  This involves calls to Hubby to get Mr Ron's number. OK Mr Ron taken care of.  By 8:00 Sunshine has thrown up 5 times.  I get CM pretty quickly on her cell (a miracle.. we love Sunshine's CM, but she never answers her cell) and let her know that Sunshine is throwing up.  I tell her I have worked it out that I will bring her to the visit.  She agrees and lets me know the details, she then needs to call her colleague who is on her way to pick up Sunshine.

Sunshine,  several gallon ziploc (barf) bags, and I are on our way to a fast food restaurant in the next town. My stomach is churning, but at least Sunshine doesn't throw up in the van.  I am expecting lots of drama and tears and vomit.  Sunshines CM comes to meet us in the parking lot, the supervisor from the GAL office is also there, as well as CM's colleague who was going to pick Sunshine up.  CM can't stay for the whole visit and they want someone from their office to be there the whole time.  Mama L is already there with a nephew 8 or 9 years old.  The first thing Mama L wants to do is take Sunshines picture, but Sunshine keeps hiding her face in my neck.  I know Sunshine loves to take pictures so I suggest that Mama L let Sunshine take her picture.  This breaks the ice and soon Sunshine lets Mama L take her picture also, the nephew even gets some of them together.  After all the drama the visit goes better than I ever would have expected.  I think that once Sunshine saw that this was not anyone who had hurt her in the past, she relaxed some.  She still wanted me with her most of the time, but I would tell her I need to go do something, throw away a napkin etc..., and that I would be back.  I would stay away, talking to CM or GAL supervisor, until Sunshine would start looking for me again.  She did throw up one more time while we were there.  We were all sitting in a booth and it just came from out of the blue.  Fortunately I had my handy dandy ziploc bags and the mess wasn't too bad.  While Sunshine was throwing up (she was sitting on my lap) I looked over and Mama L had tears running down her face.  I was happy to see her caring enough to be upset that Sunshine was upset. The visit was scheduled for an hour, but after about 45 minutes Sunshine had clearly had enough she started to disengage and didn't want to talk to Mama L anymore.  We stayed for a little longer, probably close to the full hour.  I wasn't sure how to end the visit, so hard to say ok I gotta go now and I am taking your daughter who you have never met before today with me.  Mama L could see that it was time to go and she said that it was ok if I needed to leave and that she would see Sunshine next week.

All in all the visit went great.  First impressions of Mama L were favorable.  Sunshine threw up once more after we got home and then took a long nap.  The stress and the emotion of the day had caught up with her.  After she woke up from her nap she didn't throw up again.

Here comes the Sunshine

After our Angel left to go live with Sissy, we took some time to just rest and adjust.  We still had Bluebird and were enjoying just being able to concentrate on loving and taking care of her.  It was March and Bluebird was a little over a year old, walking and getting into everything.  We really needed the time to just process Angel leaving us and to start to heal a little.  Soon though we started to get that feeling, wondering what child was out there and needed us.  We called our agency and let them know we were ready for a new placement... A few days later I received the call from placements...3yr old little girl, just removed and placed into care, will we take her?  Yes.  Here we go!

We got the call about placing "Sunshine" with us in the early evening,  5:30 - 6:00.  The CPI that removed her would be bringing her.  And we wait.....and wait.  About 8:00 they call to say that they have taken her to the hospital to do a more thorough physical examination and were waiting for results and for her to be discharged .  And we wait....and wait.  Finally about 10:00pm the CPI calls and says that the hospital has discharged her and they are on their way, it will take about an hour.  A little after 11:00 they arrive.  Sunshine is sleeping on the CPI's shoulder, but wakes when she tries to give her to me.  She wasn't having it, and started to cry.  I asked the CPI if she would like to place Sunshine in her bed to make it easier, and she agreed.  The CPI told Sunshine that we would take care of her and keep her safe.  Sunshine fell asleep almost immediately,  she was EXHAUSTED.

As we walked to the living room with the CPI she explained that she would be coming early the next morning to pick up Sunshine so she could take her to see the doctor and would keep her in emergency day care for the rest of the day. A transporter would bring her home after we got home from work.

Sunshine came to us with only the clothes she was wearing, which were a nightgown, a pair of sandals and a sweater that someone had given her at the hospital.  She was wearing a diaper. The CPI brought the rest of the pack of diapers as well.  Sunshine was potty trained, but the stress of the day had been too much and she was back in diapers.

Sunshine slept through the night and woke easily when I went to get her up.  We got dressed (I put her back in a pull up, as I wasn't sure how the day would go, and she would have limited clothing with her).  I wanted to let her sleep as long as possible, the CPI was coming really early, and so I packed a lunch bag with some breakfast items for her that she could eat in the car if she wanted to.  A banana, some dry cereal etc.. and a sippy cup of juice.  Sunshine barely interacted with me at all as we were getting dressed, she did what I asked, but I don't think she said one word, and seemed utterly despondent.  Bluebird and Hubby were in the living room when the CPI came, Sunshine and I were not quite ready.  When we came out,  Bluebird was very interested to see who this new little person was and came close to her and talked to her (1yr old jibber jabber).  We all watched to see how Sunshine would react.  She just looked at her for a few moments and then slowly reached out her hand and gently touched Bluebirds arm.  This was the first time she interacted with any of us of her own will.  I explained that I had packed some food for her to take, and asked if she wanted anything, no response until I held out the juice cup, which she grabbed immediately.  Yay I got something right!  They left and we went about our day.

I have some time between when I have to get Bluebird to daycare and when I have to be at work, so I spent that time buying Sunshine some new clothes.

The transporter brought Sunshine home shortly after we returned from work.  We went out to meet them.  The transporter opened the door, Sunshine got one look and us and freaked out!  She WAS NOT going to get out of that car.  The transporter started to undo the car seat buckles and Sunshine was trying to put them back together.  It was almost funny if it wasn't so sad.  The transporter remarked to us that," I have had children not want to get into my car, but have never had one not want to get out."  Well that made me feel really great.  I couldn't blame Sunshine.  Although she had spent the night in our home, she had only really seen us for a few minutes before she fell asleep and a few in the morning before she left.  In the last two days she had gone from strange place, to strange place to strange place.  She Had Had Enough!  The transporter finally bribed her with M&M's, used some insistence and Sunshine was out.  We carried her into the house and sat her down on the couch.  She lay down, curled up and that is how she stayed for the rest of the evening.  We tried to engage her with books, toys etc... Nothing.  We tried to find out if there was something she would like to eat ....Nothing.  Did she need to go potty....Nothing.  Not even Bluebird could entice her that night.  The only thing she would accept from us was juice, which she wanted with her constantly.  It was time to bite the bullet and approach the bath time question.  She NEEDED a bath, but I knew that bath time can be quite hard for a lot of children.  We still didn't know all that had happened to bring Sunshine into care and so I approached bath time with caution.  Sure enough she freaked out.  I finally was able to persuade her to stand in the dry tub while I washed her with warm water from a large bowl and soap.  She kept saying, "Are you gonna wash my hair?  I don't want you to wash my hair."  I agreed we wouldn't wash her hair.  That would be a battle for another day.  It was into jammies, and story time.  I read to her but she just lay there and didn't react at all.  I sat by her bed and rubbed her back until she fell asleep, for a while.  We thought we were kind of in the clear since she slept the whole night the night before, but apparently she was just so exhausted that she slept like a rock.  Not the second night though.  She woke up crying, EVERY...HOUR.  Not just crying, but screaming crying.  It was a LOOOOONG night.  I would rub her back and get her back to sleep, get myself back to bed and maybe get to sleep just to have her start crying and screaming again.

This pattern would last for weeks.  She would lay on the couch or love seat, or curled up in the chair the whole time she was home unless we made her get up.  When she needed something she wouldn't ask for it or even just tell us,  she would just start to cry.  We would then have to try to figure out what it was that she needed, food? drink? potty? hot? cold?  We finally got to where we would tell her that we couldn't help her if she was crying because we couldn't understand what she wanted.  She would eventually tell us between the tears.  She usually wouldn't tell us about needing to go to the bathroom until it was too late.  We still had her in pull ups because she would never let us know she needed to go to the bathroom, and every time we asked she said she didn't have to go.  The nights were AWFUL.  She continued to wake up screaming and crying multiple times during the night.  If she only woke up 3 -4 times we considered ourselves lucky, usually it was 6-7 times.  We tried everything...cuddling her, not cuddling her, just standing in the room so she knew I was there but not interacting or giving lots of attention.  A few times she would quiet down if I just went to her door and told her that we were in our bed and Bluebird was in her bed and it was time for all of us to be sleeping.  And sometimes it wouldn't work. We found out quickly that a closed bedroom door was a major trigger for Sunshine and never closed her door again.  We were functioning with major sleep deprivation. After a few weeks these behaviors started to taper off.  Sunshine would start to interact with us more.  The way she played with toys was more like Bluebird would at 1yr old than a 3yr old should, but at least she was playing.  She was eating more, at first the only thing she would tell us that she liked was french fries. We didn't feed her only french fries of course, so we soon learned that she liked various foods, fruits and veggies.

The best thing I feel that I did to help Sunshine to settle and adapt was to stay close to her as much as possible.  Even if she didn't want me.  I sat at the end of the couch and would lay my hand on her foot.  I stayed by her bed until she fell asleep.  I was never far away from her when we were together, and I think she finally learned to trust that I was going to be there for her and I wasn't going to hurt her.

 It was a slow process, but things got better.  Now you hardly ever see her with out a huge grin showing her one deep dimple.  She is super smart and does very well at school.  She makes us laugh every day.  She loves to sing and dance and wants to be a cheerleader.  She is one of those children is just genuinely a Happy Kid.  She is our Sunshine.

Angel's Story

Our second placement, Angel, was a 5yr old, blond hair, blue eyes and tiny.  She came to us from another foster home who only kept children who are younger than school age.  Angel would be starting kindergarten in about a month and so she was placed with us. Angel had been in care since she was 3.  We would find out later from her grandmother that we were her 5th foster placement in the roughly two years she had been in care.  She was originally placed with her maternal grandparents, but was removed from them when they allowed her mom to see her, and actually let her mom take her to live with her for a few days while grandmother was sick.  That was the story we got, my gut tells me now that there was more to the story.  Angel was then placed in foster care.

I am not sure why her case had gone on so long before she came to us.  Usually they are pushing hard for a permanency plan at 12 months.  It seemed as if mom would do really well for a long time and then would self destruct. Angel had a visit with mom on the second day she was with us.  On the 4th day Angel was with us we had to go to our parenting class in the evening, Angel and Bluebird would be staying home with my Mother in law.   A little while before we needed to leave we got a call from a DCF investigator saying that they needed to come see Angel.  Can you feel the panic??  We have  been only licensed  a week, have only had children for 6 days, and already DCF is investigating.  What could we have possibly done wrong in so short a time?  Needless to say we decided we would be late for that class and wanted to see what the investigator had to say.  It turned out that she really did want to see Angel about some suspicions of things that were happening at visits.  Angel wasn't talking though.  After that Angel's visits with mom were sporadic for a while and then visits were terminated.  Mom was on a downward spiral, and was in and out of jail several times.

Angel is a beautiful little girl and crazy smart.  You could read a book to her twice and she could "read" it to you just about word for word.  She was creative and loved to do art projects.  She loved to sing and dance. She was almost constantly singing during bath time and would make up these crazy songs.  Hubby would just sit out in the living room and laugh.  She was such a contrast in personality at times.  She came into our home and settled in like she never knew a stranger, but when we went out and she met someone new she wouldn't even respond to a "hello" or "what's your name".  She absolutely refused to respond in any way.  It would drive me crazy!  With us she would talk non stop!  Even from the beginning. There was so much going on under the surface with her.  Being so smart also meant she understood things that perhaps another 5 yr old, in her circumstances wouldn't.  Once when talking with my Mother in law, Angel commented that she could teach Bluebird to do different things when Bluebird got older if we "haven't sent her away by then."  My heart absolutely BROKE when I heard this.  As soon as an appropriate moment arrived I told her that we were NOT going to send her away....Angel replied "It's not always up to you. Ms CM sometimes gets to decide."  WOW.  I told her she was right about that, but we would never ASK  for them to take her from us.  This child knew the system better than we did.  I recommitted  myself right then that we would not ever ask for a child to be moved just for some difficult behaviors.  Only if the behavior was dangerous to the other children in our home, or if they needed more emotional, psychological, medical help than we could give.

Angel had some behavior issues, totally understandable. Her main problems were her lack of focus and mild ADHD.  If she was doing something inappropriate it would take several times of saying her name for her to even register that we were talking to her, and then several requests for her to change her behavior.  I am sure that part of this is just her age, but it was exaggerated with her.  The other problem was that she was into everything all...the...time. We never could really relax with her, we always had to monitor what she was doing and try to anticipate what she would do next.  Her behaviors were worse in school as she started kindergarten.  Thank God she had a great teacher.  She was one of the smallest kids in the class and she looked like well....an Angel, but she was the first to get marked down for behavior and the first to have to go to the office.  Not only the first but on a fairly regular basis.  We would reward her for her good days.  If she had two good days in a row she was able to get a small toy or treat at the store, etc.... My husband promised her a fish if she went a whole week with all good days...she did it!  They lived about as long as you would expect a 5 yr olds fish to live.  But she could do it. Her teacher once commented that sometimes you could just see the anger in her eyes.  

For all these issues, she could also be just the sweetest girl ever! At one school meeting with her teacher after Angel had been rude and had yelled at the teacher (yes yelled) I told Ms Teacher that she really does love you.  Ms Teacher replied "Oh I know, she is always giving me hugs"  We are a very sing-y family and Angel fit right in there, once we were outside playing and I started singing Oh my darlin', Oh my darlin', Oh my darlin, Angel. (I stopped there)  She stopped what she was doing and came over and gave me the sweetest kiss on the cheek.  First kiss ever from her.  She had given hugs, but not kisses.  I don't think she was used to foster parents taking joy in her just being her.  Once when she had been gone for a visit or something I told her I had missed her while she was gone.  She gave me the most puzzled expression as if she hadn't ever thought of someone missing her, and sort of wondering if I was just joking.  Since then I have told all my nestlings that I miss them when they are gone every time I can.  One other time she reminded me how much the words you say can make such an impact, especially on foster kids.  It was in the morning while getting ready for school, I made a comment on how I didn't know how she managed to get her socks so dirty. I wasn't fussing at her..honestly.  She started to cry, (this child did not ever cry) and I hugged her and told her I wasn't mad, I was just making a comment.  Then I told her "No matter what you do, no matter where you go, I will always love you."  Things were ok then and we went about our day of school, work, and then church in the evening.  On the way home from church about 12 hours later Angel commented, "I learned something today, that even if I do something wrong you will still love me."  And I do. And I will forever.

After several months things were not progressing with Angel's mom and Angel's CM started throwing out the   "A" word - Adoption.  Would we be willing?  Yes.  We had been talking with her grandmother who said " I have come to terms that you will be getting Angel and I just hope that you will let us still be in her life."  I told her absolutely, I believe the more people that a child has in their life who love them the better off they are.

There had been a Great Aunt who had started the homestudy and visiting with Angel, but Angel was really not wanting to go there.  She told me once that her Aunt had told her that she couldn't live there because they already had too many children.  They didn't have any children in their home.  I always have to wonder in these cases,  where have you been Great Aunt??  Angel has been in care for 2 years and you are just now stepping up??  I think often times extended birth families think that mom will eventually get the child back, there is no need for me to get involved.  Then when it starts to look like mom really may not get the child back, families start branching out on the family tree and put pressure on the extended family until someone says yes.  A few weeks before Christmas Angel comes home from a visit with her grandmother and says I am going to live with my Sissy (her older sister, who has lived with her bio dad,(not Angels dad),since both were removed from Angel's mom)  Ummmmm....What???  Angel said that CM had asked her on the way home if she wanted to live with her Sissy.  She then started to cry, I asked her why she was crying and she said that it hurt her feelings because she wanted to live with Sissy, but she wanted us to come too.  What a burden for a 5 year old, to have to choose between the people she loves.  I told her not to worry about it, that nothing was going to happen before Christmas and so she should just enjoy the holidays.  And who do you think I was on the phone to first thing the next morning..yep Ms CM.  It looked like Angel got it right, Sissy's Dad had decided that he would take Angel in so the sisters could be together...again I say...WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?  I distinctly feel the pressuring hand of Angel's grandmother in this.  So background checks and homestudy are done and approved over the next few months.  In March it is decided that Angel will be placed with Sissy and Sissy's dad.  Dad also has a girlfriend who also has a daughter.  Both Sissy and girlfriends daughter are the same age (about 6 years older than Angel) and they live in a 2 bedroom apartment.  This does not say that they won't be good parents for Angel, and Angel really does want to live with Sissy.  My fears are that 6 years is a huge difference when the ages are 5 and 11.  I am afraid that when the newness wears off Sissy is just going to find Angel to be a pest, especially as she has girlfriends daughter who is the same age and they all have to share a room.  After the court date in March where it is all decided the CM tells me that they are doing an overnight visit that weekend as it is Sissy's Birthday and she wants Angel to be there.  No problem.  As far a moving permanently they are just waiting on the actual order to be processed.  Should be the beginning of the week. On Saturday we meet Sissy and Dad at a local restaurant parking lot, and he seems really nice, and Angel is so excited.  We spend the weekend packing up her things.  She came with 4 boxes, she is leaving with double, plus a bike, 2 pillow pets and so many hair clips and bows that she could open her own store!  I meet them on Sunday afternoon to get her back and I can tell that she is bummed.  I try to ask her how everything went, and she snaps at me.  I tell her it is ok to be sad, but it is not ok to be mean.  We go for ice cream.  She is quiet all the way home.  Monday comes, no call from CM, Tuesday no call,  Wednesday I call her, still waiting on the order.  On the way home from church Wednesday Angel said that she wished CM would hurry up!  She asked me didn't I wish it would hurry up too.  I told her if I had my way she would stay with us forever, but I knew that she wanted to live with Sissy and so I wished it would hurry up for her.  Thursday CM calls and says they finally have the order and will be moving her the next day.  What time would be good?  I say how about in the evening 6:00-7:00 or so.  No it has to be in the morning.  I tell her I have to leave by 8:00 to get Bluebird to daycare on time.  She says how about 7:00am.  OK.  Thursday evening we spend packing up all the last minute stuff, and saying good bye to my in-laws.  And then it is Friday.  Did I mention it is also the day before Angels 6th Birthday.  We were already signed up to do cupcakes etc... for her class, I had enough extra to send 1 cupcake for each of them with her and I packed them up.  I had told CM she had better bring the agency van as all Angels stuff would not fit in CM's little car.  CM pulls up in the van and we start loading. We barely got it all in with the seats still in the van.  Angel goes back to the house to say goodbye to my Mom and Bluebird.  I pick her up and tell her I need another hug.  She told me "I already gave you a hug."  I said, "I know, but this one has got to last me a long time, so I need a long hug."  I carry her to the van and help her buckle up, and I wave as they drive away.  Then I go and cry on my Mommy's shoulder. 

No matter what you do, no matter where you go, I will always love you.

And Three Days Later...

We were notified that our foster license had been approved on a Thursday, the next day we got a call for our first placement, (Bluebird a 5 month old).  The licensing specialist/homestudy lady/MAPP instructor was coming out on the same day we were called about Bluebird.  She was coming with our new re-licensing specialist to make the transition.  She came before Bluebird arrived, but after we knew that Bluebird was coming.  We told her that we were waiting for our first placement, a 5month old baby, to arrive.  She looked a little puzzled and remarked, "Oh, I thought that they were working on a 5 year old girl for you."  We just shrugged our shoulders and got on with the process of handing us over to our new re-licensing specialist, who is basically our case manager..she is responsible for making sure we stay in compliance for fostering, as well as being our resource if we have any problems or questions.  They left and Bluebird arrived, and we had a fun weekend as a new family.

On Monday, I received a call from Placements that they had a .......can you see it coming??....5 year old girl.  Would we accept?  Of course we said yes. Later that evening "Angel" arrived with her case manager.  We saw them drive up and went out to meet them, out of the car popped this tiny blond haired, blue eyed little girl.  Along with her came 5 boxes....4 of clothes and 1 with toys, books etc..  She also had a couple of bags of new clothes and school "uniforms" as she would be starting kindergarten in about a month.  We came to find out that this little girl had been in care since she was 3yrs old.  The foster mother that she was coming from had used her clothing allowance to get her new school clothes.  The boxes of clothes I believe were all that she had come into care with, as well as what she had gotten in the two years she had been in care.  Many of them were too small.  And so our nest grew to include our little "Angel"

Angel had no hesitation about settling right in, unfortunately this was apparently nothing new for her. Angel is super smart and loved reading books, doing craft projects, dancing and watching iCarly.  Angel is also very, very..ummm...busy.  She kept us hopping all...day...long.  She loved to draw pictures or write notes (Mama Bird how do you spell this word.....Mama Bird how do you spell that word....)  she would then put them in envelopes and give them to different people.  We went through more envelopes in those first few weeks than our whole lives up to that point.  But her generous spirit warmed our hearts.

My hubby and I both work and since things had progressed so quickly from license approval to placements, we had yet to make day care arrangements, or even research what we needed to do.  In our District (and the whole state I believe) day care for foster parents is paid for by a state agency which, after reading various foster blogs, I realize is not standard everywhere.  While we are grateful for this, the hoops you have to jump through are crazy.  Referrals have to be sent from each case manager, we then have to have proof of employment, you have to fill out a crazy amount of paperwork, and they usually ask for salary information.  A lady who was taking the parenting classes with us had already been through the day care gauntlet and told us they do not need your salary information, foster children are automatically approved, and your salary has no bearing and is none of their business.  So we told the agency we would not be providing that information. Not a big deal you would think, but aside from it not being their business, Hubby's check is direct deposited and he does not receive any type of paper in reference to his paycheck.  If he needs a copy of his pay information, he has to go through a big pain in the butt process. I am self employed and don't always take a paycheck, so proof again is a pain in the butt.  So we got the case managers to send referrals, the agency finds something wrong with them (We have found that this agency finds something wrong with EVERY referral) we contact case managers again.  Did I mention that this agency does not answer their phones or return messages?   By this time, I have taken these children to work with me for 2 days.  Good thing I own the place.  With our Busy Angel and a 5 month old, this can't go on much longer.  Thank goodness for my Mom coming with me to help.  Hubby and I finally decide to just take Thursday and Friday off from work to go down to the agency and get this thing done.  We leave the baby with my Mom, and Angel comes with us to get all the paperwork done, the referrals straightened out. During the time we spend with the agency lady she sees Angels name (she also has an unusual name) and says, "Oh this is Angel,  we have dealt with Angels case a few times."  She gave us a look that said you guys don't know what you are in for.  We were confused, as Angel is very busy, but her behavior has been pretty good so far.  We would learn that Angel and school don't really get along.

We spent Friday checking out the day care centers on the list the agency gave us, and ended up having to put them in two separate centers.  The one closest to our house also has an after school program where they get the kids from Angel's school.  Perfect for Angel.  They only take children 1 yr and older.  Not good for Bluebird.  The center we found for Bluebird is in a neighboring town.  I work a good distance from home and this neighboring town is sort of on my way, it adds about 10-15 minutes to my commute.  And we have DAYCARE!!