Our second placement, Angel, was a 5yr old, blond hair, blue eyes and tiny. She came to us from another foster home who only kept children who are younger than school age. Angel would be starting kindergarten in about a month and so she was placed with us. Angel had been in care since she was 3. We would find out later from her grandmother that we were her 5th foster placement in the roughly two years she had been in care. She was originally placed with her maternal grandparents, but was removed from them when they allowed her mom to see her, and actually let her mom take her to live with her for a few days while grandmother was sick. That was the story we got, my gut tells me now that there was more to the story. Angel was then placed in foster care.
I am not sure why her case had gone on so long before she came to us. Usually they are pushing hard for a permanency plan at 12 months. It seemed as if mom would do really well for a long time and then would self destruct. Angel had a visit with mom on the second day she was with us. On the 4th day Angel was with us we had to go to our parenting class in the evening, Angel and Bluebird would be staying home with my Mother in law. A little while before we needed to leave we got a call from a DCF investigator saying that they needed to come see Angel. Can you feel the panic?? We have been only licensed a week, have only had children for 6 days, and already DCF is investigating. What could we have possibly done wrong in so short a time? Needless to say we decided we would be late for that class and wanted to see what the investigator had to say. It turned out that she really did want to see Angel about some suspicions of things that were happening at visits. Angel wasn't talking though. After that Angel's visits with mom were sporadic for a while and then visits were terminated. Mom was on a downward spiral, and was in and out of jail several times.
Angel is a beautiful little girl and crazy smart. You could read a book to her twice and she could "read" it to you just about word for word. She was creative and loved to do art projects. She loved to sing and dance. She was almost constantly singing during bath time and would make up these crazy songs. Hubby would just sit out in the living room and laugh. She was such a contrast in personality at times. She came into our home and settled in like she never knew a stranger, but when we went out and she met someone new she wouldn't even respond to a "hello" or "what's your name". She absolutely refused to respond in any way. It would drive me crazy! With us she would talk non stop! Even from the beginning. There was so much going on under the surface with her. Being so smart also meant she understood things that perhaps another 5 yr old, in her circumstances wouldn't. Once when talking with my Mother in law, Angel commented that she could teach Bluebird to do different things when Bluebird got older if we "haven't sent her away by then." My heart absolutely BROKE when I heard this. As soon as an appropriate moment arrived I told her that we were NOT going to send her away....Angel replied "It's not always up to you. Ms CM sometimes gets to decide." WOW. I told her she was right about that, but we would never ASK for them to take her from us. This child knew the system better than we did. I recommitted myself right then that we would not ever ask for a child to be moved just for some difficult behaviors. Only if the behavior was dangerous to the other children in our home, or if they needed more emotional, psychological, medical help than we could give.
Angel had some behavior issues, totally understandable. Her main problems were her lack of focus and mild ADHD. If she was doing something inappropriate it would take several times of saying her name for her to even register that we were talking to her, and then several requests for her to change her behavior. I am sure that part of this is just her age, but it was exaggerated with her. The other problem was that she was into everything all...the...time. We never could really relax with her, we always had to monitor what she was doing and try to anticipate what she would do next. Her behaviors were worse in school as she started kindergarten. Thank God she had a great teacher. She was one of the smallest kids in the class and she looked like well....an Angel, but she was the first to get marked down for behavior and the first to have to go to the office. Not only the first but on a fairly regular basis. We would reward her for her good days. If she had two good days in a row she was able to get a small toy or treat at the store, etc.... My husband promised her a fish if she went a whole week with all good days...she did it! They lived about as long as you would expect a 5 yr olds fish to live. But she could do it. Her teacher once commented that sometimes you could just see the anger in her eyes.
For all these issues, she could also be just the sweetest girl ever! At one school meeting with her teacher after Angel had been rude and had yelled at the teacher (yes yelled) I told Ms Teacher that she really does love you. Ms Teacher replied "Oh I know, she is always giving me hugs" We are a very sing-y family and Angel fit right in there, once we were outside playing and I started singing Oh my darlin', Oh my darlin', Oh my darlin, Angel. (I stopped there) She stopped what she was doing and came over and gave me the sweetest kiss on the cheek. First kiss ever from her. She had given hugs, but not kisses. I don't think she was used to foster parents taking joy in her just being her. Once when she had been gone for a visit or something I told her I had missed her while she was gone. She gave me the most puzzled expression as if she hadn't ever thought of someone missing her, and sort of wondering if I was just joking. Since then I have told all my nestlings that I miss them when they are gone every time I can. One other time she reminded me how much the words you say can make such an impact, especially on foster kids. It was in the morning while getting ready for school, I made a comment on how I didn't know how she managed to get her socks so dirty. I wasn't fussing at her..honestly. She started to cry, (this child did not ever cry) and I hugged her and told her I wasn't mad, I was just making a comment. Then I told her "No matter what you do, no matter where you go, I will always love you." Things were ok then and we went about our day of school, work, and then church in the evening. On the way home from church about 12 hours later Angel commented, "I learned something today, that even if I do something wrong you will still love me." And I do. And I will forever.
After several months things were not progressing with Angel's mom and Angel's CM started throwing out the "A" word - Adoption. Would we be willing? Yes. We had been talking with her grandmother who said " I have come to terms that you will be getting Angel and I just hope that you will let us still be in her life." I told her absolutely, I believe the more people that a child has in their life who love them the better off they are.
There had been a Great Aunt who had started the homestudy and visiting with Angel, but Angel was really not wanting to go there. She told me once that her Aunt had told her that she couldn't live there because they already had too many children. They didn't have any children in their home. I always have to wonder in these cases, where have you been Great Aunt?? Angel has been in care for 2 years and you are just now stepping up?? I think often times extended birth families think that mom will eventually get the child back, there is no need for me to get involved. Then when it starts to look like mom really may not get the child back, families start branching out on the family tree and put pressure on the extended family until someone says yes. A few weeks before Christmas Angel comes home from a visit with her grandmother and says I am going to live with my Sissy (her older sister, who has lived with her bio dad,(not Angels dad),since both were removed from Angel's mom) Ummmmm....What??? Angel said that CM had asked her on the way home if she wanted to live with her Sissy. She then started to cry, I asked her why she was crying and she said that it hurt her feelings because she wanted to live with Sissy, but she wanted us to come too. What a burden for a 5 year old, to have to choose between the people she loves. I told her not to worry about it, that nothing was going to happen before Christmas and so she should just enjoy the holidays. And who do you think I was on the phone to first thing the next morning..yep Ms CM. It looked like Angel got it right, Sissy's Dad had decided that he would take Angel in so the sisters could be together...again I say...WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I distinctly feel the pressuring hand of Angel's grandmother in this. So background checks and homestudy are done and approved over the next few months. In March it is decided that Angel will be placed with Sissy and Sissy's dad. Dad also has a girlfriend who also has a daughter. Both Sissy and girlfriends daughter are the same age (about 6 years older than Angel) and they live in a 2 bedroom apartment. This does not say that they won't be good parents for Angel, and Angel really does want to live with Sissy. My fears are that 6 years is a huge difference when the ages are 5 and 11. I am afraid that when the newness wears off Sissy is just going to find Angel to be a pest, especially as she has girlfriends daughter who is the same age and they all have to share a room. After the court date in March where it is all decided the CM tells me that they are doing an overnight visit that weekend as it is Sissy's Birthday and she wants Angel to be there. No problem. As far a moving permanently they are just waiting on the actual order to be processed. Should be the beginning of the week. On Saturday we meet Sissy and Dad at a local restaurant parking lot, and he seems really nice, and Angel is so excited. We spend the weekend packing up her things. She came with 4 boxes, she is leaving with double, plus a bike, 2 pillow pets and so many hair clips and bows that she could open her own store! I meet them on Sunday afternoon to get her back and I can tell that she is bummed. I try to ask her how everything went, and she snaps at me. I tell her it is ok to be sad, but it is not ok to be mean. We go for ice cream. She is quiet all the way home. Monday comes, no call from CM, Tuesday no call, Wednesday I call her, still waiting on the order. On the way home from church Wednesday Angel said that she wished CM would hurry up! She asked me didn't I wish it would hurry up too. I told her if I had my way she would stay with us forever, but I knew that she wanted to live with Sissy and so I wished it would hurry up for her. Thursday CM calls and says they finally have the order and will be moving her the next day. What time would be good? I say how about in the evening 6:00-7:00 or so. No it has to be in the morning. I tell her I have to leave by 8:00 to get Bluebird to daycare on time. She says how about 7:00am. OK. Thursday evening we spend packing up all the last minute stuff, and saying good bye to my in-laws. And then it is Friday. Did I mention it is also the day before Angels 6th Birthday. We were already signed up to do cupcakes etc... for her class, I had enough extra to send 1 cupcake for each of them with her and I packed them up. I had told CM she had better bring the agency van as all Angels stuff would not fit in CM's little car. CM pulls up in the van and we start loading. We barely got it all in with the seats still in the van. Angel goes back to the house to say goodbye to my Mom and Bluebird. I pick her up and tell her I need another hug. She told me "I already gave you a hug." I said, "I know, but this one has got to last me a long time, so I need a long hug." I carry her to the van and help her buckle up, and I wave as they drive away. Then I go and cry on my Mommy's shoulder.
No matter what you do, no matter where you go, I will always love you.
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