More Sunshine ....and the visit with her mom

I know that these posts are getting quite long.  I am trying to get it all up to date, and give the history behind how we got where we are.  After that the posts will be much shorter, I promise.

Our Sunshine was, by far, in the worst shape of any of our nestlings when she was placed in our home.  Our first two had both been in care for a while.  Bluebird for 5 months - her whole life, and Angel for about 2 years.  Their immediate physical issues had long ago been dealt with.  Angel of course had other issues by the time she came to us.  Sunshine, however, had just been removed and placed into care with us.  Her physical issues were perhaps not as bad as you may think, there were no broken bones or stitches.  She did however have various scars and one set of bruises were particularly disturbing.  Where they were and how it looked like they were made would make your blood run cold.  They were in a place not easily covered by clothing, and many people would comment and ask how she got them.  I could honestly answer that I didn't know.  And truly, truly I tried not to think about how she got them, because I really did not want to be right about how I thought they occurred.  They even left our pediatrician shaking his head with tears in his eyes.  She was also very lethargic and dehydrated when she came to us.

The emotional and psychological issues were the most difficult part.  Sunshine's mom had been incarcerated Sunshine's whole life. As far as we could determine she had never visited mom in prison.  She had been living with her grandmother for most of her 3 years, but recently she had been moving from family member, family friend to family member, family friend.  When she was placed into care she was living with a "Godmother".  There were various allegations of different types, but no one was really talking, so nothing has ever been proven other than the physical condition she was in.

Sunshine was placed with us in March.  Her mother agreed to a case plan that involved he starting parenting classes while she was still incarcerated.  She was nearing the end of her sentence. After she was released she would continue working her case plan with classes and counseling, including family counseling with Sunshine. Sunshine had also started play therapy.  The last week of July I get a call from Sunshine's CM.  Mom is out sooner than we thought, and she wants to see Sunshine.  The judge has granted,  get this,   UNlimited, UNsupervised Visits!  Sunshine has NEVER MET HER MOTHER BEFORE!!!   Mom is considered a Non-Offending Parent.  Fortunately our agency has some common sense and works it out that the first few visits, at least, will need to be supervised.  But the first visit is the next day and I have had no warning to get the day off or to prepare Sunshine at all for this visit that has come out of the blue.

That night I sit down with Sunshine and try to explain.  She has a teacher at school who is visibly pregnant, and so I start by telling her " You know how Ms P has a baby in her stomach?  Well when you were a tiny baby you were in Mama L's stomach.  Mama L has been far away and so she hasn't been able to take care of you.  Mama L now lives closer and she wants to see you tomorrow."  Sunshine was not very taken with that idea.  She cried, she told me she wants to stay with us forever, I cried.  We both cried together,  This, of course, did not change the fact that she had to go in the morning, and I couldn't go with her.  She finally fell asleep, but had a very restless night.  In the morning, as soon as she woke up, before she even got out of bed she started to throw up.  This is a typical response to stress for Sunshine, and I should have anticipated it.  I start to get her dressed, she throws up,  I let her lay on the couch she throws up.  I know I can't reach her CM until 8:00.  I tell myself if she throws up once more I am going to have to do something.  I decide that as stressful as it is for Sunshine, this visit is going to have to happen sometime, and so the best thing I can do is make it work so that I can go with her. I don't want her to have to go through this again.  I start my calls.  I find someone to cover me at work (if I hadn't I would have just closed for the day) This day also happens to be the day that Bluebird has her regularly scheduled visits with her parents.  Mr Ron, her regular transporter, usually picks her up at day care and then brings her home to the house.  I now need to get in touch with Mr Ron to tell him that Bluebird will be home with my mom and to pick her up there.  This involves calls to Hubby to get Mr Ron's number. OK Mr Ron taken care of.  By 8:00 Sunshine has thrown up 5 times.  I get CM pretty quickly on her cell (a miracle.. we love Sunshine's CM, but she never answers her cell) and let her know that Sunshine is throwing up.  I tell her I have worked it out that I will bring her to the visit.  She agrees and lets me know the details, she then needs to call her colleague who is on her way to pick up Sunshine.

Sunshine,  several gallon ziploc (barf) bags, and I are on our way to a fast food restaurant in the next town. My stomach is churning, but at least Sunshine doesn't throw up in the van.  I am expecting lots of drama and tears and vomit.  Sunshines CM comes to meet us in the parking lot, the supervisor from the GAL office is also there, as well as CM's colleague who was going to pick Sunshine up.  CM can't stay for the whole visit and they want someone from their office to be there the whole time.  Mama L is already there with a nephew 8 or 9 years old.  The first thing Mama L wants to do is take Sunshines picture, but Sunshine keeps hiding her face in my neck.  I know Sunshine loves to take pictures so I suggest that Mama L let Sunshine take her picture.  This breaks the ice and soon Sunshine lets Mama L take her picture also, the nephew even gets some of them together.  After all the drama the visit goes better than I ever would have expected.  I think that once Sunshine saw that this was not anyone who had hurt her in the past, she relaxed some.  She still wanted me with her most of the time, but I would tell her I need to go do something, throw away a napkin etc..., and that I would be back.  I would stay away, talking to CM or GAL supervisor, until Sunshine would start looking for me again.  She did throw up one more time while we were there.  We were all sitting in a booth and it just came from out of the blue.  Fortunately I had my handy dandy ziploc bags and the mess wasn't too bad.  While Sunshine was throwing up (she was sitting on my lap) I looked over and Mama L had tears running down her face.  I was happy to see her caring enough to be upset that Sunshine was upset. The visit was scheduled for an hour, but after about 45 minutes Sunshine had clearly had enough she started to disengage and didn't want to talk to Mama L anymore.  We stayed for a little longer, probably close to the full hour.  I wasn't sure how to end the visit, so hard to say ok I gotta go now and I am taking your daughter who you have never met before today with me.  Mama L could see that it was time to go and she said that it was ok if I needed to leave and that she would see Sunshine next week.

All in all the visit went great.  First impressions of Mama L were favorable.  Sunshine threw up once more after we got home and then took a long nap.  The stress and the emotion of the day had caught up with her.  After she woke up from her nap she didn't throw up again.

Here comes the Sunshine

After our Angel left to go live with Sissy, we took some time to just rest and adjust.  We still had Bluebird and were enjoying just being able to concentrate on loving and taking care of her.  It was March and Bluebird was a little over a year old, walking and getting into everything.  We really needed the time to just process Angel leaving us and to start to heal a little.  Soon though we started to get that feeling, wondering what child was out there and needed us.  We called our agency and let them know we were ready for a new placement... A few days later I received the call from placements...3yr old little girl, just removed and placed into care, will we take her?  Yes.  Here we go!

We got the call about placing "Sunshine" with us in the early evening,  5:30 - 6:00.  The CPI that removed her would be bringing her.  And we wait.....and wait.  About 8:00 they call to say that they have taken her to the hospital to do a more thorough physical examination and were waiting for results and for her to be discharged .  And we wait....and wait.  Finally about 10:00pm the CPI calls and says that the hospital has discharged her and they are on their way, it will take about an hour.  A little after 11:00 they arrive.  Sunshine is sleeping on the CPI's shoulder, but wakes when she tries to give her to me.  She wasn't having it, and started to cry.  I asked the CPI if she would like to place Sunshine in her bed to make it easier, and she agreed.  The CPI told Sunshine that we would take care of her and keep her safe.  Sunshine fell asleep almost immediately,  she was EXHAUSTED.

As we walked to the living room with the CPI she explained that she would be coming early the next morning to pick up Sunshine so she could take her to see the doctor and would keep her in emergency day care for the rest of the day. A transporter would bring her home after we got home from work.

Sunshine came to us with only the clothes she was wearing, which were a nightgown, a pair of sandals and a sweater that someone had given her at the hospital.  She was wearing a diaper. The CPI brought the rest of the pack of diapers as well.  Sunshine was potty trained, but the stress of the day had been too much and she was back in diapers.

Sunshine slept through the night and woke easily when I went to get her up.  We got dressed (I put her back in a pull up, as I wasn't sure how the day would go, and she would have limited clothing with her).  I wanted to let her sleep as long as possible, the CPI was coming really early, and so I packed a lunch bag with some breakfast items for her that she could eat in the car if she wanted to.  A banana, some dry cereal etc.. and a sippy cup of juice.  Sunshine barely interacted with me at all as we were getting dressed, she did what I asked, but I don't think she said one word, and seemed utterly despondent.  Bluebird and Hubby were in the living room when the CPI came, Sunshine and I were not quite ready.  When we came out,  Bluebird was very interested to see who this new little person was and came close to her and talked to her (1yr old jibber jabber).  We all watched to see how Sunshine would react.  She just looked at her for a few moments and then slowly reached out her hand and gently touched Bluebirds arm.  This was the first time she interacted with any of us of her own will.  I explained that I had packed some food for her to take, and asked if she wanted anything, no response until I held out the juice cup, which she grabbed immediately.  Yay I got something right!  They left and we went about our day.

I have some time between when I have to get Bluebird to daycare and when I have to be at work, so I spent that time buying Sunshine some new clothes.

The transporter brought Sunshine home shortly after we returned from work.  We went out to meet them.  The transporter opened the door, Sunshine got one look and us and freaked out!  She WAS NOT going to get out of that car.  The transporter started to undo the car seat buckles and Sunshine was trying to put them back together.  It was almost funny if it wasn't so sad.  The transporter remarked to us that," I have had children not want to get into my car, but have never had one not want to get out."  Well that made me feel really great.  I couldn't blame Sunshine.  Although she had spent the night in our home, she had only really seen us for a few minutes before she fell asleep and a few in the morning before she left.  In the last two days she had gone from strange place, to strange place to strange place.  She Had Had Enough!  The transporter finally bribed her with M&M's, used some insistence and Sunshine was out.  We carried her into the house and sat her down on the couch.  She lay down, curled up and that is how she stayed for the rest of the evening.  We tried to engage her with books, toys etc... Nothing.  We tried to find out if there was something she would like to eat ....Nothing.  Did she need to go potty....Nothing.  Not even Bluebird could entice her that night.  The only thing she would accept from us was juice, which she wanted with her constantly.  It was time to bite the bullet and approach the bath time question.  She NEEDED a bath, but I knew that bath time can be quite hard for a lot of children.  We still didn't know all that had happened to bring Sunshine into care and so I approached bath time with caution.  Sure enough she freaked out.  I finally was able to persuade her to stand in the dry tub while I washed her with warm water from a large bowl and soap.  She kept saying, "Are you gonna wash my hair?  I don't want you to wash my hair."  I agreed we wouldn't wash her hair.  That would be a battle for another day.  It was into jammies, and story time.  I read to her but she just lay there and didn't react at all.  I sat by her bed and rubbed her back until she fell asleep, for a while.  We thought we were kind of in the clear since she slept the whole night the night before, but apparently she was just so exhausted that she slept like a rock.  Not the second night though.  She woke up crying, EVERY...HOUR.  Not just crying, but screaming crying.  It was a LOOOOONG night.  I would rub her back and get her back to sleep, get myself back to bed and maybe get to sleep just to have her start crying and screaming again.

This pattern would last for weeks.  She would lay on the couch or love seat, or curled up in the chair the whole time she was home unless we made her get up.  When she needed something she wouldn't ask for it or even just tell us,  she would just start to cry.  We would then have to try to figure out what it was that she needed, food? drink? potty? hot? cold?  We finally got to where we would tell her that we couldn't help her if she was crying because we couldn't understand what she wanted.  She would eventually tell us between the tears.  She usually wouldn't tell us about needing to go to the bathroom until it was too late.  We still had her in pull ups because she would never let us know she needed to go to the bathroom, and every time we asked she said she didn't have to go.  The nights were AWFUL.  She continued to wake up screaming and crying multiple times during the night.  If she only woke up 3 -4 times we considered ourselves lucky, usually it was 6-7 times.  We tried everything...cuddling her, not cuddling her, just standing in the room so she knew I was there but not interacting or giving lots of attention.  A few times she would quiet down if I just went to her door and told her that we were in our bed and Bluebird was in her bed and it was time for all of us to be sleeping.  And sometimes it wouldn't work. We found out quickly that a closed bedroom door was a major trigger for Sunshine and never closed her door again.  We were functioning with major sleep deprivation. After a few weeks these behaviors started to taper off.  Sunshine would start to interact with us more.  The way she played with toys was more like Bluebird would at 1yr old than a 3yr old should, but at least she was playing.  She was eating more, at first the only thing she would tell us that she liked was french fries. We didn't feed her only french fries of course, so we soon learned that she liked various foods, fruits and veggies.

The best thing I feel that I did to help Sunshine to settle and adapt was to stay close to her as much as possible.  Even if she didn't want me.  I sat at the end of the couch and would lay my hand on her foot.  I stayed by her bed until she fell asleep.  I was never far away from her when we were together, and I think she finally learned to trust that I was going to be there for her and I wasn't going to hurt her.

 It was a slow process, but things got better.  Now you hardly ever see her with out a huge grin showing her one deep dimple.  She is super smart and does very well at school.  She makes us laugh every day.  She loves to sing and dance and wants to be a cheerleader.  She is one of those children is just genuinely a Happy Kid.  She is our Sunshine.

Angel's Story

Our second placement, Angel, was a 5yr old, blond hair, blue eyes and tiny.  She came to us from another foster home who only kept children who are younger than school age.  Angel would be starting kindergarten in about a month and so she was placed with us. Angel had been in care since she was 3.  We would find out later from her grandmother that we were her 5th foster placement in the roughly two years she had been in care.  She was originally placed with her maternal grandparents, but was removed from them when they allowed her mom to see her, and actually let her mom take her to live with her for a few days while grandmother was sick.  That was the story we got, my gut tells me now that there was more to the story.  Angel was then placed in foster care.

I am not sure why her case had gone on so long before she came to us.  Usually they are pushing hard for a permanency plan at 12 months.  It seemed as if mom would do really well for a long time and then would self destruct. Angel had a visit with mom on the second day she was with us.  On the 4th day Angel was with us we had to go to our parenting class in the evening, Angel and Bluebird would be staying home with my Mother in law.   A little while before we needed to leave we got a call from a DCF investigator saying that they needed to come see Angel.  Can you feel the panic??  We have  been only licensed  a week, have only had children for 6 days, and already DCF is investigating.  What could we have possibly done wrong in so short a time?  Needless to say we decided we would be late for that class and wanted to see what the investigator had to say.  It turned out that she really did want to see Angel about some suspicions of things that were happening at visits.  Angel wasn't talking though.  After that Angel's visits with mom were sporadic for a while and then visits were terminated.  Mom was on a downward spiral, and was in and out of jail several times.

Angel is a beautiful little girl and crazy smart.  You could read a book to her twice and she could "read" it to you just about word for word.  She was creative and loved to do art projects.  She loved to sing and dance. She was almost constantly singing during bath time and would make up these crazy songs.  Hubby would just sit out in the living room and laugh.  She was such a contrast in personality at times.  She came into our home and settled in like she never knew a stranger, but when we went out and she met someone new she wouldn't even respond to a "hello" or "what's your name".  She absolutely refused to respond in any way.  It would drive me crazy!  With us she would talk non stop!  Even from the beginning. There was so much going on under the surface with her.  Being so smart also meant she understood things that perhaps another 5 yr old, in her circumstances wouldn't.  Once when talking with my Mother in law, Angel commented that she could teach Bluebird to do different things when Bluebird got older if we "haven't sent her away by then."  My heart absolutely BROKE when I heard this.  As soon as an appropriate moment arrived I told her that we were NOT going to send her away....Angel replied "It's not always up to you. Ms CM sometimes gets to decide."  WOW.  I told her she was right about that, but we would never ASK  for them to take her from us.  This child knew the system better than we did.  I recommitted  myself right then that we would not ever ask for a child to be moved just for some difficult behaviors.  Only if the behavior was dangerous to the other children in our home, or if they needed more emotional, psychological, medical help than we could give.

Angel had some behavior issues, totally understandable. Her main problems were her lack of focus and mild ADHD.  If she was doing something inappropriate it would take several times of saying her name for her to even register that we were talking to her, and then several requests for her to change her behavior.  I am sure that part of this is just her age, but it was exaggerated with her.  The other problem was that she was into everything all...the...time. We never could really relax with her, we always had to monitor what she was doing and try to anticipate what she would do next.  Her behaviors were worse in school as she started kindergarten.  Thank God she had a great teacher.  She was one of the smallest kids in the class and she looked like well....an Angel, but she was the first to get marked down for behavior and the first to have to go to the office.  Not only the first but on a fairly regular basis.  We would reward her for her good days.  If she had two good days in a row she was able to get a small toy or treat at the store, etc.... My husband promised her a fish if she went a whole week with all good days...she did it!  They lived about as long as you would expect a 5 yr olds fish to live.  But she could do it. Her teacher once commented that sometimes you could just see the anger in her eyes.  

For all these issues, she could also be just the sweetest girl ever! At one school meeting with her teacher after Angel had been rude and had yelled at the teacher (yes yelled) I told Ms Teacher that she really does love you.  Ms Teacher replied "Oh I know, she is always giving me hugs"  We are a very sing-y family and Angel fit right in there, once we were outside playing and I started singing Oh my darlin', Oh my darlin', Oh my darlin, Angel. (I stopped there)  She stopped what she was doing and came over and gave me the sweetest kiss on the cheek.  First kiss ever from her.  She had given hugs, but not kisses.  I don't think she was used to foster parents taking joy in her just being her.  Once when she had been gone for a visit or something I told her I had missed her while she was gone.  She gave me the most puzzled expression as if she hadn't ever thought of someone missing her, and sort of wondering if I was just joking.  Since then I have told all my nestlings that I miss them when they are gone every time I can.  One other time she reminded me how much the words you say can make such an impact, especially on foster kids.  It was in the morning while getting ready for school, I made a comment on how I didn't know how she managed to get her socks so dirty. I wasn't fussing at her..honestly.  She started to cry, (this child did not ever cry) and I hugged her and told her I wasn't mad, I was just making a comment.  Then I told her "No matter what you do, no matter where you go, I will always love you."  Things were ok then and we went about our day of school, work, and then church in the evening.  On the way home from church about 12 hours later Angel commented, "I learned something today, that even if I do something wrong you will still love me."  And I do. And I will forever.

After several months things were not progressing with Angel's mom and Angel's CM started throwing out the   "A" word - Adoption.  Would we be willing?  Yes.  We had been talking with her grandmother who said " I have come to terms that you will be getting Angel and I just hope that you will let us still be in her life."  I told her absolutely, I believe the more people that a child has in their life who love them the better off they are.

There had been a Great Aunt who had started the homestudy and visiting with Angel, but Angel was really not wanting to go there.  She told me once that her Aunt had told her that she couldn't live there because they already had too many children.  They didn't have any children in their home.  I always have to wonder in these cases,  where have you been Great Aunt??  Angel has been in care for 2 years and you are just now stepping up??  I think often times extended birth families think that mom will eventually get the child back, there is no need for me to get involved.  Then when it starts to look like mom really may not get the child back, families start branching out on the family tree and put pressure on the extended family until someone says yes.  A few weeks before Christmas Angel comes home from a visit with her grandmother and says I am going to live with my Sissy (her older sister, who has lived with her bio dad,(not Angels dad),since both were removed from Angel's mom)  Ummmmm....What???  Angel said that CM had asked her on the way home if she wanted to live with her Sissy.  She then started to cry, I asked her why she was crying and she said that it hurt her feelings because she wanted to live with Sissy, but she wanted us to come too.  What a burden for a 5 year old, to have to choose between the people she loves.  I told her not to worry about it, that nothing was going to happen before Christmas and so she should just enjoy the holidays.  And who do you think I was on the phone to first thing the next morning..yep Ms CM.  It looked like Angel got it right, Sissy's Dad had decided that he would take Angel in so the sisters could be together...again I say...WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?  I distinctly feel the pressuring hand of Angel's grandmother in this.  So background checks and homestudy are done and approved over the next few months.  In March it is decided that Angel will be placed with Sissy and Sissy's dad.  Dad also has a girlfriend who also has a daughter.  Both Sissy and girlfriends daughter are the same age (about 6 years older than Angel) and they live in a 2 bedroom apartment.  This does not say that they won't be good parents for Angel, and Angel really does want to live with Sissy.  My fears are that 6 years is a huge difference when the ages are 5 and 11.  I am afraid that when the newness wears off Sissy is just going to find Angel to be a pest, especially as she has girlfriends daughter who is the same age and they all have to share a room.  After the court date in March where it is all decided the CM tells me that they are doing an overnight visit that weekend as it is Sissy's Birthday and she wants Angel to be there.  No problem.  As far a moving permanently they are just waiting on the actual order to be processed.  Should be the beginning of the week. On Saturday we meet Sissy and Dad at a local restaurant parking lot, and he seems really nice, and Angel is so excited.  We spend the weekend packing up her things.  She came with 4 boxes, she is leaving with double, plus a bike, 2 pillow pets and so many hair clips and bows that she could open her own store!  I meet them on Sunday afternoon to get her back and I can tell that she is bummed.  I try to ask her how everything went, and she snaps at me.  I tell her it is ok to be sad, but it is not ok to be mean.  We go for ice cream.  She is quiet all the way home.  Monday comes, no call from CM, Tuesday no call,  Wednesday I call her, still waiting on the order.  On the way home from church Wednesday Angel said that she wished CM would hurry up!  She asked me didn't I wish it would hurry up too.  I told her if I had my way she would stay with us forever, but I knew that she wanted to live with Sissy and so I wished it would hurry up for her.  Thursday CM calls and says they finally have the order and will be moving her the next day.  What time would be good?  I say how about in the evening 6:00-7:00 or so.  No it has to be in the morning.  I tell her I have to leave by 8:00 to get Bluebird to daycare on time.  She says how about 7:00am.  OK.  Thursday evening we spend packing up all the last minute stuff, and saying good bye to my in-laws.  And then it is Friday.  Did I mention it is also the day before Angels 6th Birthday.  We were already signed up to do cupcakes etc... for her class, I had enough extra to send 1 cupcake for each of them with her and I packed them up.  I had told CM she had better bring the agency van as all Angels stuff would not fit in CM's little car.  CM pulls up in the van and we start loading. We barely got it all in with the seats still in the van.  Angel goes back to the house to say goodbye to my Mom and Bluebird.  I pick her up and tell her I need another hug.  She told me "I already gave you a hug."  I said, "I know, but this one has got to last me a long time, so I need a long hug."  I carry her to the van and help her buckle up, and I wave as they drive away.  Then I go and cry on my Mommy's shoulder. 

No matter what you do, no matter where you go, I will always love you.

And Three Days Later...

We were notified that our foster license had been approved on a Thursday, the next day we got a call for our first placement, (Bluebird a 5 month old).  The licensing specialist/homestudy lady/MAPP instructor was coming out on the same day we were called about Bluebird.  She was coming with our new re-licensing specialist to make the transition.  She came before Bluebird arrived, but after we knew that Bluebird was coming.  We told her that we were waiting for our first placement, a 5month old baby, to arrive.  She looked a little puzzled and remarked, "Oh, I thought that they were working on a 5 year old girl for you."  We just shrugged our shoulders and got on with the process of handing us over to our new re-licensing specialist, who is basically our case manager..she is responsible for making sure we stay in compliance for fostering, as well as being our resource if we have any problems or questions.  They left and Bluebird arrived, and we had a fun weekend as a new family.

On Monday, I received a call from Placements that they had a .......can you see it coming??....5 year old girl.  Would we accept?  Of course we said yes. Later that evening "Angel" arrived with her case manager.  We saw them drive up and went out to meet them, out of the car popped this tiny blond haired, blue eyed little girl.  Along with her came 5 boxes....4 of clothes and 1 with toys, books etc..  She also had a couple of bags of new clothes and school "uniforms" as she would be starting kindergarten in about a month.  We came to find out that this little girl had been in care since she was 3yrs old.  The foster mother that she was coming from had used her clothing allowance to get her new school clothes.  The boxes of clothes I believe were all that she had come into care with, as well as what she had gotten in the two years she had been in care.  Many of them were too small.  And so our nest grew to include our little "Angel"

Angel had no hesitation about settling right in, unfortunately this was apparently nothing new for her. Angel is super smart and loved reading books, doing craft projects, dancing and watching iCarly.  Angel is also very, very..ummm...busy.  She kept us hopping all...day...long.  She loved to draw pictures or write notes (Mama Bird how do you spell this word.....Mama Bird how do you spell that word....)  she would then put them in envelopes and give them to different people.  We went through more envelopes in those first few weeks than our whole lives up to that point.  But her generous spirit warmed our hearts.

My hubby and I both work and since things had progressed so quickly from license approval to placements, we had yet to make day care arrangements, or even research what we needed to do.  In our District (and the whole state I believe) day care for foster parents is paid for by a state agency which, after reading various foster blogs, I realize is not standard everywhere.  While we are grateful for this, the hoops you have to jump through are crazy.  Referrals have to be sent from each case manager, we then have to have proof of employment, you have to fill out a crazy amount of paperwork, and they usually ask for salary information.  A lady who was taking the parenting classes with us had already been through the day care gauntlet and told us they do not need your salary information, foster children are automatically approved, and your salary has no bearing and is none of their business.  So we told the agency we would not be providing that information. Not a big deal you would think, but aside from it not being their business, Hubby's check is direct deposited and he does not receive any type of paper in reference to his paycheck.  If he needs a copy of his pay information, he has to go through a big pain in the butt process. I am self employed and don't always take a paycheck, so proof again is a pain in the butt.  So we got the case managers to send referrals, the agency finds something wrong with them (We have found that this agency finds something wrong with EVERY referral) we contact case managers again.  Did I mention that this agency does not answer their phones or return messages?   By this time, I have taken these children to work with me for 2 days.  Good thing I own the place.  With our Busy Angel and a 5 month old, this can't go on much longer.  Thank goodness for my Mom coming with me to help.  Hubby and I finally decide to just take Thursday and Friday off from work to go down to the agency and get this thing done.  We leave the baby with my Mom, and Angel comes with us to get all the paperwork done, the referrals straightened out. During the time we spend with the agency lady she sees Angels name (she also has an unusual name) and says, "Oh this is Angel,  we have dealt with Angels case a few times."  She gave us a look that said you guys don't know what you are in for.  We were confused, as Angel is very busy, but her behavior has been pretty good so far.  We would learn that Angel and school don't really get along.

We spent Friday checking out the day care centers on the list the agency gave us, and ended up having to put them in two separate centers.  The one closest to our house also has an after school program where they get the kids from Angel's school.  Perfect for Angel.  They only take children 1 yr and older.  Not good for Bluebird.  The center we found for Bluebird is in a neighboring town.  I work a good distance from home and this neighboring town is sort of on my way, it adds about 10-15 minutes to my commute.  And we have DAYCARE!!

Our Little Bluebird - Her Story

Our Bluebird came into our nest on July 23, 2010.  She was 5 months old.  She had been placed in foster care at birth and had been living with a foster family in a neighboring county.  She was placed with us as a respite care situation, where we would care for her while her current foster family was out of town for about a week.

Her first night was rough on her, as you can imagine.  She had no idea where she was or who we were.  She cried herself to sleep.  The next morning though it was like she had been with us the whole time, she was as happy as could be.

Our first order of business was shopping.  She came with pretty much all she would need for the week, but we wanted to get a few more things as well as our regular groceries.  We strapped her into the car seat and off we went.  I admit we wondered what the reaction of the other shoppers would be to seeing our new mixed race family.  We did get some second looks, but over all it was a non issue. Everything went well until we got to the checkout line.  The very nice cashier was asking us about Bluebird and of course soon asked us "what's her name" ...............crickets chirping..............ummm........ We looked at each other.  WE HAD FORGOTTEN HER NAME !!  I quickly made something up and explained that she had only been with us since the night before, but I felt HORRIBLE.  Who forgets their child's name??  She has a very unusual name with an even more unusual spelling.  Most people couldn't remember it 10 minutes after we told them.  It is a feminized version of her father's name.  He doesn't even use his first name, so why would he give it to his child???

The placement dept. at our agency called to see if we would like to keep Bluebird as a long term placement. Of course we said yes, and so she would not be returning to her first foster home.  Our home was a good bit closer to Bluebirds parents than her first foster home, which is why they asked us if we would keep her.

Bluebird had visits with her mom and dad for 2 hours each (separately), on Tuesdays.  Her transporter, Mr Ron....we love, love, love Mr Ron....would pick her up at our house, take her to the visits and supervise them, and then bring her home.  Mr Ron had been doing this since her birth and so he was a constant friendly face for her.  He was retired from the Sheriffs dept. and wasn't the type to put up with much from the birth families.  He loved our little Bluebird as well,  the people at the agency where Bluebird had her visits called her Mr Ron's Baby.  Mom and Dad were working their case plan in a two steps forward, one step back, fashion.  Doing just enough not to go to TPR, but no real commitment.  Visits were the same way, especially for mom, she would cancel a visit because it was raining.  Dad would make most of his visits, but would come late and leave early.  Once I had to cancel a visit because Bluebird was sick and running a fever.  Mr Ron said that Dad had fussed about it, and I told him I felt bad about him not being able to see her.  Mr Ron said not to feel bad, Dad had just fought to get 2 hour visits (had been 1 hour), and then only was there for 30 minutes for the last visit.

We had our Bluebird for her first Halloween, (she was a chick), her first Thanksgiving, her first Christmas, her first Birthday.  We had her for her first tooth (finally), when she first crawled, we she first walked, and her first word.  We took her to her first zoo, her first beach, her first trip to Disney World.  Soooo many big firsts, and many, many more little firsts.  It breaks my heart that her parents missed all of them. I feel blessed that we got to share them.

 So the months went on,  we kept loving Bluebird and enjoying being part of all of her growing and changing.  She is so smart and is starting to talk.  She is getting more teeth and will eat a piece of fruit without hardly coming up for air.  She loves her Eeyore comfort blankie..."Eeeoo..Eeeoo".  She loves to dance and is such a climber, not scared of anything.  And she loves to stand on her head.  And we love HER sooo much.

Dad finally has a "come to Jesus" moment, courtesy of his mom I think, and realizes if he doesn't get serious about his case plan he may just lose Bluebird forever.  He also has a new girlfriend who seems committed to being there for both of them.  Dad is working two jobs and has an apartment.  After almost a year and a half he has done all he needs to to get Bluebird back, and so it is decided that it is time for reunification.  Originally they were going to place Bluebird with dad immediately.  She has had visits with him every week for her whole life, but 2 hours of supervised visits a week do not prepare him or her for an immediate placement.  I worked with her GAL and we convinced the court to do a month of longer unsupervised visits transitioning to overnight visits and finally to permanent reunification.  It also gave us a month to get used to the idea (yeah right, you never get used to one of your babies leaving) and to love on her extra hard.

Today is the day I have been trying to pretend would never come. We find out when the baby is going to live with her dad. Could be as quickly as this weekend. I have known for a month it was coming, but I am soooo not ready. She is 19 months old tomorrow and has been with us since she was 5 months. Dad has been working really hard and so I am happy for him, but this is gonna hurt!

That was my f@cebook post for September 23, 2011.  I waited for Bluebirds case manager to call and let me know when Bluebird would be going.  It was a Friday.  About mid afternoon her case manager called and told us that they were just waiting on a signature and it would probably be Monday before they got it.  Yay right?  No.  They decided that since Dad was approved for overnight or longer visits that they would just go ahead and move her that evening.  So that was it, she was leaving.  Try to finish your work day after that news.  I went and picked her up at day care and could hardly talk to tell them that it would be her last day.  She usually would come right up to me and was ready to go right away, but that day she went around her room showing me everything, almost as if she was saying good-bye.  We went home and all our parents came over to say goodbye.  Too soon her case manager drove up and it was time.  The case manager had brought a car seat that turned out to be missing a piece.  I wanted to tell her, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I guess she will have to stay.".  But I didn't, I just loaned her our car seat, buckled her in and waved bye.  She had a big smile on her face, she was happy to be going bye-bye.  And she was gone.

Did you hear that sound at about 7:00 pm? That was our hearts breaking..... Love you forever Baby Girl!!

It has been almost 11 months since she left, and I am literally sitting here crying as I type this.  Fostering is the hardest, most wonderful thing I have ever done.

Our First Placement- Here She Comes

5 month old baby girl coming in 45 minutes..... they sleep through the night at 5 months right??

This was my f@cebook  post on July 23, 2010.  We got the call the day after we got the call that our license had been approved.  I was on my way home from work.  My mind started to try to decipher all that we needed to do!!  I had told the placement specialist that we had no diapers or formula on hand, as well as no car seat,  and she said that she would make sure that the transporter had everything we needed.  It turned out that this baby (I'll call her Bluebird) had been in foster care from birth.  This was going to be a respite situation, where we would care for her while her current foster parents were out of town for about a week.  They sent her formula, some diapers and clothes, as well as the car seat, which was wonderful.

When the transporter arrived, my husband had just gotten home from work, and we went out to meet our new nestling.  Bluebird had fallen asleep on the ride and as she woke up while the transporter was getting her out of the car, she gave us the most beautiful smile.  We were completely smitten. She was happy as we got all her things inside and the transporter told us her name...or tried to....she wasn't sure how to pronounce it.  It was an unusual name with an even more unusual spelling.  Her current foster family just called her Precious.

After the transporter left, it wasn't long before Bluebird realized she didn't know who the heck we were, and started to cry.  We realized that if we were going to get this crib put together we were going to need backup.
Calls go out to our Moms...who were waiting for us to call anyway so they could meet Bluebird.  The evening was spent with the Moms trying to get Bluebird to stop crying....wasn't happening... and my hubby and I trying to get the crib together.  Hubby not so mechanically inclined, as well as one of those "I don't need directions" kind of guys.  We finally got it together, Bluebird still not a happy girl, and sent the Moms home.  Bluebird did eventually cry herself to sleep, poor thing.

She did sleep through the night....I however was compelled to keep getting up to make sure she was still breathing.

My post from the next day.

And so our foster nest was born with a little Bluebird.

Our First Placement -Getting Ready

As we were getting to the end of the licensing part of fostering, we began to prepare our home for kids.  As I mentioned in a previous post we had been married without children for almost 19 years.  We had a lot of prep to do!!  We live in a small 3 bedroom house, and so had 2 bedrooms to get ready.  Our original thought was to put both children in one room and have the other for a play room, so the toys wouldn't be all over the living room.  You can quit laughing now.  We were naive of course, toys end up in every room no matter what!   We were licensing for two girls aged 0-8yrs, and had to start from scratch with absolutely no idea what age or size we would be dealing with.  The big pieces were fairly easy, we got a bunk bed and a crib and changing table.  We left the crib in the box since we didn't want to put it together unless we were sure we needed it.  We then turned our attention to clothes and toys.  So....Over...Whelming!!!  There are so many different sizes between newborn and 8 years.  I finally decided that I would have one outfit, one nightgown/jammies, underwear,and one pair of shoes in every other size.  I figured that if we had something to get them through a day and a night, even if they were one size too big, we could get to the store the next day and get what they needed.  The toys again were mind boggling.  If we got more baby toys and ended up with a 7 and 8 year old, it wouldn't be good and vice versa.  We just went with our gut on this and got more toddler type toys and made sure we had art supplies and games for the older kids. 

We were ready.....you can quit laughing again....you are never really ready for your first venture into fostering.

We couldn't wait! 

About Us

As I go back and read through my blogs I am worried that all the jumping around in our timeline is really getting confusing.  Maybe if I do a general history of our family and how we got where we are and start from there it will be easier to follow. One of the things I love most about reading other blogs is starting at the beginning and following the story as it unfolds,  I try not to jump ahead and find out how things end without knowing how they got there.  Foster care in general is full of so many twists and turns that the road to the end is as valuable to the story as the outcome.

I am in my early 40's, raised mainly in a small southern town, married to my high school sweetheart for almost 21 years.  Sounds a little like the beginning of a fairy tale maybe, but we have definitely had our ups and downs.  No white picket fence I promise!   We have no biological children of our own.  I was not shocked that fertility would be an issue for us, as it runs in my family.  I like to tell people I am a miracle baby, they usually reply with a sarcastic snort.  Up until my mid 30's I had almost convinced myself that while I would love to have kids, I could be happy without them.  I enjoyed my nephews and the children in the nursery at church, and told myself it was enough.

At 34 I was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma,  after 6 months of chemo and 20 radiation treatments I was in remission.  It was, of course, life changing.  After things got to a new normal for us I realized it wasn't enough to enjoy other peoples children and started exploring options.  In just about all options I found I would have to wait to be in remission for 5 years, which is when you are generally considered to be cured.  I could totally understand that...I didn't want to bring a child into our family if we weren't as sure as possible that my cancer wouldn't return.  We pursued some new infertility treatments, but it became clear that unless we had a LOT of money to devote to this (we don't), that adopting was going to be our best choice.  My brother had been adopted from foster care, so I wasn't the least bit reluctant to adopt.  I knew that we would love an adopted child just as much as we would have a biological one.  We thought about domestic and international adoption, but ultimately felt that adoption from foster care was the best option for us.  But did we want to foster, or only adopt??  In the end we felt that by fostering we could help other children until our forever child came into our lives.  Selfishly, I wanted to be parenting while we waited for the child/children that would be ours forever.

In April 2010 we went to our first foster parent orientation, we then went through 10 weeks of MAPP classes.  Followed by 7 weeks of additional parenting classes.  While going through MAPP we were also going through the home study process.  Tons of paperwork, home visits, inspections and background checks.   A little overwhelming at times, but we were determined.  By doing MAPP and the home study at the same time, our home study was almost ready to send to the state for approval by the end of our classes.  We were actually licensed before we were finished with our parenting classes.

We were licensed in July 2010.  Our MAPP instructor/home study lady called on a Thursday to let us know that we had been approved.  The next day we were called with our first placement, and three days later we added our second.  Married 19 years with no children, and suddenly we had two children in three days!  I will introduce you to these sweet little girls in a later post.

I will end by saying that while we went into foster parenting as a way to build our family through adoption, we love fostering, and will continue to foster if/when we do adopt.  It is the hardest most wonderful thing we have ever done.

Baby Girl - Court Day

As I said in my first post, Baby Girl had a big court date on August 7th.  It was an MBI or Manifest Best Interest, decision.  This was to determine if they would TPR bio mom.  (TPR = termination of parental rights)
We were required to be there with Baby Girl.  Our state has recently passed a law that the children have to be at the court hearings.  I have mixed feelings about this, but that is for a later post.  Baby Girls case manager told us that the judge would probably have questions for us as well.  As Baby Girls bio mom has been in New York since December 2011, and hasn't responded to any of the court summons, she is considered to be in default.  Which means the TPR was pretty much a sure thing.

As we waited for 45 minutes for our case to be called, Baby Girl did not want anything to do with her case manager, GAL or anyone who wasn't me or my husband.  She didn't want to play or talk to anyone.  Our case was finally called, and of course as the proceedings progressed, Baby Girl found her voice.  "Mama, juice"  "Mama, baby" (her doll)......and running up and down the bench where we were seated.  There was a small gap between the end of the bench and the wall, and I could just see her falling through it in front of the judge and the whole court.  I gave her "THE LOOK" but she just gave me a look of her own that said "I know you aren't going to fuss at me here"

After a short hearing where our total contribution was saying "yes sir" to the judge twice, the TPR was granted!!!  She is now free for adoption!!!  We are just waiting for the paperwork to go through its channels and then we should be assigned an adoption worker in about 3-4 weeks.  If all things go smoothly it should be final by the end of the year.  It was wonderful to hear the judge say that he would be seeing us again in a few months.

Baby Girl - Part Two -Bio Mom

Baby Girl had been with us a few days when she had her first visit with her bio mom.  It took place at a fast food restaurant.  Mom gave her a lollipop, so she was all sticky when she came home.  Apparently lollipops were pretty common for Baby Girl because she sure knew one when she saw one. All in all I guess the visit went well, although the case manager said that Baby Girl didn't really act all that excited to see bio mom.

For the second visit a transporter came to take baby girl to the restaurant again.  When she brought her back she said mom was a no show.  Baby Girls case manager was coming for a visit that afternoon, and when she got there I asked her about it, and she told me that mom said that she was there but she didn't see the transporter or Baby Girl.  The transporter had never seen mom before and so she called the CM to ask her for a general description,  the transporter said that she had seen someone there that looked like that description, and the lady had looked at her too, but never approached her.  The transporter said that she even tried to kind of show the baby to that person, but got no reaction.  OK first of all the transported was black and baby girl is white, so that is going to automatically draw attention, it just is.  So if you are waiting for someone to bring your baby for the only hour a week you get to see her, I think you are gonna check that out.  So she apparently saw them, but didn't recognize her own baby!!! After two weeks you don't recognize your child!!! Really?!?!?!?!?

After that visits were hit or miss...mostly miss,  for the next two months, and bio mom didn't even try to work her case plan.  She failed one drug test and refused to take one another time.  After the man in her life got out of jail for the reason the police and DCF were called when Baby Girl was placed into care, Baby Girl was forgotten completely and soon bio mom was nowhere to be found.  Bio mom had told the CM that she was pregnant. (Baby Girl was her 3rd child, new baby would be her 4th...she has none of them)

Mom finally surfaced in New York where she was from and has had the new baby, a boy, who was placed in foster care at the hospital.

I have actually had more compassion for birth parents as we have been on this foster care journey than I thought I would.  This mom was raised in and out of foster care herself and so perhaps she never learned how a mother should love.  It is just so hard not to have harsh feelings toward someone who could treat her children this way.  I have heard that she is trying to get the new baby back, so I hope that she does get her life together so she can learn how to be a good mom.

Baby Girl - first few days

Baby Girl (trying to come up with a great blog name for her) is 20 months old. Baby Girl is our fourth foster placement. She came to our home at 10 months in October 2011.  She was in relatively good shape as far as foster standards go, but a good bath was the first order of business.  We filled up the sink, and when I started to take off her onesie, old dried up food fell out of her clothes.  She loved playing in the water, but poor baby was so confused that she would play for a minute and then realize where she was, and start to cry.  Sometimes she would play and cry at the same time.  She has a small, light birthmark on her cheek that I kept trying to wash off until I realized what it was.

Baby Girl came to us with a blanket, a random assortment of clothes, some too big, some too small, all in need of a wash, and a bottle of milk.  I asked the CPI (child protective investigator) if mom had given her any instructions as far as Baby Girl's schedule and she said, "No, I was lucky to grab up this much before mom kicked me out of the house."  We got her fed, (Thanks Mom for the emergency trip to the store for formula and diapers) in her jammies and finally to sleep.

She had our hearts from the first minute of course.  She is such a sweetie and it didn't take long until she settled in.  She was crawling, but wasn't too adventurous, which was soooo different from the baby we had just before Baby Girl came (her story soon).  She enjoyed the toys and could entertain herself for fairly long periods of time.  We have just been loving on her and enjoying her since then.

Apparently she had been off formula for some time, and didn't seem to care for it much, so the doctors agreed that we could put her on whole milk and supplement it with pediasure.  They generally advise whole milk at 12 months, so she wasn't that early at 10 months.  She also hadn't been to the doctor since she was 3 months old, and so was very behind on her shots.  We are just now caught up, due to the mandatory waiting time between some of the shots.  We were going for shots just about every month for a while, Baby Girl got to the point where she would just start to cry the minute we went back to the examining area.  Even if they were just doing her weight and measurements.  She was also underweight,  right on the line of failure to thrive.  Once she started having regular meals, Baby Girl proved that she can EAT!  I wasn't too worried that she would catch up.

Well this post is getting quite long and so I will save some things for later dates.  

At the beginning...sort of

I admit it, I am a blog stalker.  A foster parent blog stalker to be specific.  I have been a foster parent for a little over two years, and within the last three months have discovered the fascinating world of blogging.  It all began, (as it has for so many of us) with Fosterhood in NYC.  I don't remember how I came across it the first time, but one dip into the archives and I was hopelessly hooked!  I stayed up late to read, I read at work, I read in the car (hubby driving), I read at restaurants.   I laughed, I shook my head, I got mad, and when Jacket left, I cried. I had been there, and will be there again.  Fosterhood lead me to half a dozen other foster blogs that I also read from start to current, many of them writing about how their blogs were a permanent record of what was going on in their lives at that time.  I thought that is what I need.  My hubby can remember things from when he was 3,  me...not so much.  I want to have something that I can look back on and remember all of the little things that make up the crazy life of a foster family.  Even if no one else ever reads this, I will have it to remind me, and possibly to make it into something special for the kids that are in my care.  Can anyone say life book?  If the story of my journey inspires someone to be a foster parent, or helps a current foster parent somehow,  that is just the icing on the cake.

I decided to start this blog today, after thinking about it for a long time, because tomorrow we have a big court date for our almost 20 month old foster daughter ( I call them my nestlings ).  Big decisions being made, that will effect the rest of her life, and I want to record it all before it slips into the busy, busy of our daily lives.

I will start with the background of our journey, as well as our personal background later.  Stay tuned....